Tuesday, June 19, 2007

* Meu infinito particular *

"Em alguns instantes
Sou pequenina e também gigante"
(Infinito particular - Marisa Monte)

Oh, my God! What’s going on? I’m trembling just because a little message?! How come?! This is very strange... I’m not used to this kind of reaction. Actually I’m, but I’m way too afraid and ashamed to admit it. It’s terrible to expose myself to this level. But on the other hand, if I don’t do things this way, I’ll never get anywhere. This is how I feel. If I don’t take risks, how am I going to know if it was or wasn’t the best thing to do? Maybe I should be braver in relation to my feelings. Maybe I’m just protecting myself of the past and forgetting to feel the brise on my face and experience that as it shoud be experienced.

It’s funny to see how things are and how I’m myself. If you know me, you probably are thinking by now that I’m going crazy, but I’m not. I show people a different person than the one I’m seeing right now. I show that I’m strong and funny and always extroverted... but on the inside, things are a little bit different. I’m so ashamed of showing feelings. I feel like my face is burning all the time. And I shake (not like a Polaroid picture), but I do shake a lot. I would like to build a hole so I could get inside. How come? How does Cristina do to hide her feelings like that? But, at the same time, I don’t hide... I show them, but in my own way. Getting a bit confused between me and me again... I just think that people will never understand my way. For my friends, for example, it’s easy to show what I feel. I just hug them as many times as I want and I also say “I love you” for the ones that I really care about, but when it comes to a person from the opposite sex for whom I share some feelings, I feel utterly insecure, wanting that the person just finds out things by himself, without giving any chance to my feelings come up. Strange... I don’t know how am I supposed to change all of this. I don’t even know if I have the guts to begin all the way again... I’m just to afraid of admitting that sometimes it’s possible to fail and nothing bad will happen, it’s just a negative answer received from others.


Fê Savino said...

Foto por Paulo Franco

Flavia Melissa said...

i do understand you so much!
chick, i'm just like you, and i think we're like this cause once we learned - wrongly learned - that we would only make other people like us if we were happy and strong.
so we keep on searching situations that offer us the opportunity of feeling happy and strong.
those ones - the important and meaningful ones - that put us in dangerous... we just deny them!
and it's wrong!!! badly wrong...
soooo, keepn on trying, keepn in doing it, keep on testing yourself...
and maybe, someday, you'll gonna see yourself like i see you.

love u so bad!

Cá said...

Oh, Fê, this is just who you are! When we accept who we are it's so much easier...and you're not afraid of taking chances! And this is the most important thing!! Even feeling a little bit afraid you go there and risk yourself! This is life, darling, taking risks! What about that coffee? Did you drink it? hahaha! Kisses, always!

Secrets Teller said...


N. said...

Não preciso falar nada, NADINHA, assino embaixo, puta que pariu de roda!!!!!!
Ai meus sais... por onde começar?
Aceitando-se? Respeitando-se? Se forçando a coisas que sabemos, lá no fundo, que é o certo a fazer?
Demonstrar... tarefa difícil essa!

E que raiva das malditas mensagens de texto!


Caco said...

Once I received a message that made me tremble, and the words meant the worLd to me. However the words were simply words, as simple words as they can be. I have just read one extra 'L'. Fucking hell - figuring it out hurt. I wished I did not think so much.
Kiss & stay infinite.